I promised to come back and write more about dad's young adult life, but it's hard. It's hard because it causes overwhelming sadness in me to write about the difficult times they went through. It seems as if I become a part of it and tears roll down my face when I think of it.
After the depression in the 30s, dad's family had to work their way up from nothing. And they did. Grandpa worked very hard. He was not fast. His one arm was crippled. But he got up very early in the morning and worked diligently for long hours. He share cropped and saved up money to make a down payment on a farm. Grandma was also a hard worker and very thrifty. They pulled themselves up "by their own boot straps" and were making a go of it. But once more, mental illness crept in and caused trouble. Grandma was in the mental hospital for awhile. I'm not sure how long. Dad said he was the family cook while she was there. Although I knew both grandparents were in the mental hospital in dads early years, for some reason I did not know about the second time for Grandma.
When dad became old enough he joined the young people. By all accounts, he was outgoing and a bit wild. One night while coming home from a singing, or some youth event, he fell asleep in the buggy. Usually that was no problem because his faithful horse would take him home. But that night the horse walked out in front of a car and the horse and buggy was hit. Dad was seriously hurt and was in the hospital for awhile. I don't know how long. I know he was unconscious for several days. He feels like he had a conversion experience during that time. While I am not judging that one way or the other, there was definitely a huge change in him and his personality at that time. He became very serious. He felt like he must walk perfectly before God. He remembers a time he was walking to the barn and saw a feather floating in the air. He blew the feather back up into the air and was playing with it. He said he became very convicted of his foolishness and repented and tried to live holy. Some time during this time, he went to Tennessee to see about getting something printed. He was without a place to stay. While he was either taking care of some goats or staying on a place where someone had goats, he spent the night in an old house without a roof. It got extremely cold that night. It was well below zero. He survived by going underneath the house and huddling with the goats. I asked him how he got home. He said his parents came got him.
While living back home he felt the need to preach the gospel. He is still hurt and feels persecuted by the Amish because he was signed into the mental hospital. From other accounts, I understand he was knocking on doors at all hours of the night to preach to them. To this day, he does not see how this behavior was inappropriate and led to him being admitted. Unfortunately, in those days shock treatments was the treatment of choice. I think it's possible some of his distrust for the medical profession comes from his memories of being strapped down and shocked. I'm not sure how long he was in the mental hospital but I think about 6 months.
After dad was out of the hospital, he was back home again and helping his dad on the farm. I don't know much about the events leading up to the day my grandpa took his life. I was able to go back to the farm where it happened and that same barn is still standing. I got a picture of what that awful day must have been like. A 10 year old finding his dad hanging in the hay mow and yelling for the 6 year old to go get a knife. The 6 year old running as fast as he could to the house for the knife. The 10 year old cutting the rope in a vain attempt to save his dad. Almost too sad for words. My dad said he was out plowing in the field when this happened.
After grandpa's death, dad decided to move the family out of the community. Somehow he became the family leader. He traveled to look for a place to move to, and decided on the (then very poor) area of northwest Arkansas. The roads were mostly gravel into Clifty and the surrounding areas at that time. They sold the farm in Illinois. Because land was so much cheaper in Arkansas, grandma was able to buy several pieces of property at that time. I know she gave some (or all) of her children a piece of property. Enos was married at that time in Illinois but him and his wife soon joined the others in Arkansas.
It was in northwest Arkansas dad met mom. He has very detailed memories of their meeting at a camp meeting and the events following up to their marriage. He had went by bus to Washington state soon after meeting her. He wrote her while there asking her to marry him. She had replied yes, but he didn't wait for the answer. He came back to Arkansas by bus to get her. They were married by a justice of the peace and she went back to Washington with him. Just like that. Just a few short weeks after meeting each other. That was the beginning of life full of surprises and unplanned last minute trips. They had 7 kids, all home births with just dad there to deliver us. Mom never knew when dad might come in and say he needs her to be ready to go on a trip "this afternoon". How she managed to raise us and homeschool us as they were living their often nomadic life, I'll never know. But she has always been his loyal supporter no matter what.
Once again, I add the disclaimer about my knowledge as an historian of dad's life. If some of his family reads this and find errors. Please forgive me. I'm just related seconded information to the best of my memory and ability.
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
Sunday, June 15, 2014
Dad's Childhood
Through all the difficulties dad has faced since mom became ill, he has opened up more about his life and I feel like I have seen more of who he is than I ever did before.
Dad was raised Amish. His dad had a crippled arm that made it difficult for him to work fast. He was a very hard worker but slow because of his arm. He got up early in the morning, around 4:30, to go do his chores and go work in the field. He shucked corn by hand. Plowed with horses, and milked by hand as do all Amish. The only difference was that he did it mostly onehanded. My Grandma was also a very hard worker and quite thrifty. With their hard work and determination they had what it takes to be successful. But unfortunately that was a hard time for many people due to the depression. My dad's parents lost what they had and fell under the heavy load of mental illness and depression. That would have been about 1936. They both ended up in the mental hospital at the same time. The children were separated and sent to live with other families. Dad remembers some about that time although he would have only been about 3 years old at the time. He remembers things. He remembers being fascinated by the ticking of a watch and of playing with string. Grandma used to tell me about dad liking order as a child and being fussy if things were out of place.
There is a great deal of trauma from his early memories of the struggles his family had. After several months in the mental hospital, grandma and grandpa were once more home and had their little family with them. They had nothing. Her parents provided them with a place to stay. Dad broke down and cried when he remembers his dad working all day cutting weeds from ditches for a dollar a day. He began sharecrop farming. They literally pulled themselves up by their own boot straps with strong will, hard work and determination. They saved up to make a down payment on their own farm and worked hard to pay it off. When Grandpa died around 1954, the family sold the farm and had enough money to move and buy several pieces of land in Arkansas.
When dad was about 6 years old he got kicked by a horse. As a result of this he had a pus pocket build up in his lungs. He was very sickly for awhile and extremely thin. He ended up in the hospital for awhile. He remembers having to blow up balloons to help strengthen his lungs.
I am aware that this is second hand information and dad's siblings may find something wrong with my account. I am just repeating it to the best of my memory as I heard it from dad. So if I'm wrong in my facts. Please forgive me and feel free to message me on facebook to correct me. I will try to continue at a latter time with more information of his teen years and early adult life.
Dad was raised Amish. His dad had a crippled arm that made it difficult for him to work fast. He was a very hard worker but slow because of his arm. He got up early in the morning, around 4:30, to go do his chores and go work in the field. He shucked corn by hand. Plowed with horses, and milked by hand as do all Amish. The only difference was that he did it mostly onehanded. My Grandma was also a very hard worker and quite thrifty. With their hard work and determination they had what it takes to be successful. But unfortunately that was a hard time for many people due to the depression. My dad's parents lost what they had and fell under the heavy load of mental illness and depression. That would have been about 1936. They both ended up in the mental hospital at the same time. The children were separated and sent to live with other families. Dad remembers some about that time although he would have only been about 3 years old at the time. He remembers things. He remembers being fascinated by the ticking of a watch and of playing with string. Grandma used to tell me about dad liking order as a child and being fussy if things were out of place.
There is a great deal of trauma from his early memories of the struggles his family had. After several months in the mental hospital, grandma and grandpa were once more home and had their little family with them. They had nothing. Her parents provided them with a place to stay. Dad broke down and cried when he remembers his dad working all day cutting weeds from ditches for a dollar a day. He began sharecrop farming. They literally pulled themselves up by their own boot straps with strong will, hard work and determination. They saved up to make a down payment on their own farm and worked hard to pay it off. When Grandpa died around 1954, the family sold the farm and had enough money to move and buy several pieces of land in Arkansas.
When dad was about 6 years old he got kicked by a horse. As a result of this he had a pus pocket build up in his lungs. He was very sickly for awhile and extremely thin. He ended up in the hospital for awhile. He remembers having to blow up balloons to help strengthen his lungs.
I am aware that this is second hand information and dad's siblings may find something wrong with my account. I am just repeating it to the best of my memory as I heard it from dad. So if I'm wrong in my facts. Please forgive me and feel free to message me on facebook to correct me. I will try to continue at a latter time with more information of his teen years and early adult life.
Thursday, February 27, 2014
How time flies!
I was just looking and realized I hadn't done a blog post in quite a while. I just didn't realize it had been so long. So tonight at work, while all is quite and my patient sleeps, I will update. (what is really going on is that I need to be doing some on-line training to meet my foster home training requirements, but I'm procrastinating. :) )
It has been a very cold winter and propane prices went way high so Susie closed off most of her house and is using her fireplace and a window heat/air unit to keep the place nice and warm for mom. Mom is so thin and weak but holding her own. She is sweetly confused but has not been difficult (personality wise) to care for. Her smile and the way she lights up when she sees us makes our day brighter. She has had so little of this worlds comforts but never complained. The one thing she wanted more than anything was just to be around her family. When I think of all the years they lived alone down a lonely road with her children scattered all over and unable to see them often it makes me incredibly sad. That is why this time with her is so precious. We can shower her with our love and attention. Every day we have her is a gift from God!
Dad goes over to Susie's house pretty much daily to eat supper with them. He has seemed to let go of the need to control everything about mom. I know it cost him dearly and was so difficult to accept. Right now he is translating the Bible into his "pure language" A man by the name of Terry Langley programed his keyboard so it would type that way for him. Most recently Terry created a web site for him so he can have it on the Internet. He is quite happy about that. He says he thinks its of God and it is his purpose in life. I am quite happy for him to feel that way and keep himself occupied. His goats have had their babies now and that also gives him something to do. He has 3 or 4 females and they all had twins. So a lot more goats now. Yay! (not) They are cute though.
I would like to do a post in the near future with a little more of my insight into what I think helped shape dad into who he is today but I will not go into that now.
Dad does not have a house phone now because the company messed something up when Joanna tried to change the services. I plan to get him a cell phone and need to get busy on that. If anyone wants to call him you will need to call Susie's number at 417 678 1001 and have them give him a message to call you. ,
It has been a very cold winter and propane prices went way high so Susie closed off most of her house and is using her fireplace and a window heat/air unit to keep the place nice and warm for mom. Mom is so thin and weak but holding her own. She is sweetly confused but has not been difficult (personality wise) to care for. Her smile and the way she lights up when she sees us makes our day brighter. She has had so little of this worlds comforts but never complained. The one thing she wanted more than anything was just to be around her family. When I think of all the years they lived alone down a lonely road with her children scattered all over and unable to see them often it makes me incredibly sad. That is why this time with her is so precious. We can shower her with our love and attention. Every day we have her is a gift from God!
Dad goes over to Susie's house pretty much daily to eat supper with them. He has seemed to let go of the need to control everything about mom. I know it cost him dearly and was so difficult to accept. Right now he is translating the Bible into his "pure language" A man by the name of Terry Langley programed his keyboard so it would type that way for him. Most recently Terry created a web site for him so he can have it on the Internet. He is quite happy about that. He says he thinks its of God and it is his purpose in life. I am quite happy for him to feel that way and keep himself occupied. His goats have had their babies now and that also gives him something to do. He has 3 or 4 females and they all had twins. So a lot more goats now. Yay! (not) They are cute though.
I would like to do a post in the near future with a little more of my insight into what I think helped shape dad into who he is today but I will not go into that now.
Dad does not have a house phone now because the company messed something up when Joanna tried to change the services. I plan to get him a cell phone and need to get busy on that. If anyone wants to call him you will need to call Susie's number at 417 678 1001 and have them give him a message to call you. ,
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Chicken and tears
I was picking chicken off of the boney pieces for chicken and dumplings today. For some reason it made me think of mom. I thought how she would do this so carefully if it was her. I have no patience and do it quickly, but she would take her time to make sure every little bit was salvaged. She never wasted. When we had chicken which wasn't very often she always insisted she liked the necks and backs. I believed her as a child. Now as a mom I realize she liked them because no one else did.
She always scraped the bowls so very carefully. She never threw away the slightest bit. She made things stretch. We never went hungry because mom was careful to store and save. We never had fancy foods but we always had full tummies.
Now mom's mind has been devastated by the mini-strokes and seizures she has had. She cannot comprehend conversation. She is child-like in so many ways. And yet the life time habit of busy hands stay with her. She spoons things from one spot to the next. She wipes at the inside of an empty cup. She picks the blanket up and holds the corners out studying it. She matches the ends. You can see in her the motions of sewing and cooking.
Those hands never had it easy. They worked and scrubbed without the aid of modern convenience. She didn't know what it was like to have hot running water. She washed outdoors with a wringer washer for most of her years. She did not have a dryer. I remember what it was like to try to hang clothes out in the winter with them freezing like a board before you could quite get them hung up. I remember moms red chapped hand as she worked outside in the cold to keep us in clean clothes. She NEVER complained. She always said how good she had it compared to her mom who washed on a shrub board and wrung her clothes out by hand. She was thankful. Always.
So I try not to cry into the chicken as I remember how hard she worked and how little she had. I wish we could have made her life a little softer. A little easier. If you have been following my post you know why we couldn't. That is what brings me to tears. But she does have the respect and love of her kids. Oh yes she does!
She always scraped the bowls so very carefully. She never threw away the slightest bit. She made things stretch. We never went hungry because mom was careful to store and save. We never had fancy foods but we always had full tummies.
Now mom's mind has been devastated by the mini-strokes and seizures she has had. She cannot comprehend conversation. She is child-like in so many ways. And yet the life time habit of busy hands stay with her. She spoons things from one spot to the next. She wipes at the inside of an empty cup. She picks the blanket up and holds the corners out studying it. She matches the ends. You can see in her the motions of sewing and cooking.
Those hands never had it easy. They worked and scrubbed without the aid of modern convenience. She didn't know what it was like to have hot running water. She washed outdoors with a wringer washer for most of her years. She did not have a dryer. I remember what it was like to try to hang clothes out in the winter with them freezing like a board before you could quite get them hung up. I remember moms red chapped hand as she worked outside in the cold to keep us in clean clothes. She NEVER complained. She always said how good she had it compared to her mom who washed on a shrub board and wrung her clothes out by hand. She was thankful. Always.
So I try not to cry into the chicken as I remember how hard she worked and how little she had. I wish we could have made her life a little softer. A little easier. If you have been following my post you know why we couldn't. That is what brings me to tears. But she does have the respect and love of her kids. Oh yes she does!
Sunday, September 15, 2013
Thoughts on Dad.
I believe dad has some issues mentally that keep him from being able to see the world around himself like we do. Whether it was from the wreck he had as a teenager or if he was born that way, I do not know. I will give a little explanation of what I see with a huge disclaimer as to the accuracy of my observations. I think it's wrong to assign motives to people and say why they do the things they do. That said, I will attempt to explain what I see as some issues that make it hard to deal with dad and explain why I think he suffers even more than he makes us suffer.
1. Black and white thinking: What I mean by that is that he seems to think either he is of God or he is not. If he is, then his thoughts and dreams must be of God also. If we do not accept him then we are rejecting God. His measure of our walk with God is whether or not we obey and honor him. If he is not of God then he must be doomed to eternal hell fire and be completely unworthy. This all or nothing thinking makes it hard to get him to accept his own mistakes and admit his failures. It keeps him from seeing himself as okay and loved by God, even though he makes mistakes just like anyone else does.
2. He has difficulty reading other people's body language, facial expressions and other subtle cues most people get, that lets us know when someone is uninterested in what you are saying or maybe even angry. This causes him to seem much more obnoxious than what he means to be because he really doesn't get it sometimes. That become clear to me when we were in the hospital in Arkansas with mom. As he talked to different people there and they tried to deal with the issues going on, he didn't seem to realize when people are really angry or when he was getting himself in trouble. When someone was nice to him, he felt like they were on his side. When they ended up not taking his side, he felt betrayed. It damaged his sense of trust. It made me think of a blind person in a room full of people that were hitting him. He really couldn't see it coming.
3. He appears to have a lot of paranoia related to the medical profession. I don't know exactly why but I think it could be from his time in the mental hospital and them strapping him down and giving him shock treatments. What ever it is, he is truly afraid of doctors and hospitals. He will not sign a normal "consent to treat forms" for mom because he feels like he is giving control over to the doctors to do anything they want. It doesn't seem to matter that I explain to him that they would have to get another consent if they were doing something like surgery. He clearly doesn't trust them.
4. He seems to use religion as a way to keep from dealing with his emotions. He cannot simply say. "I am angry" or "I am sad" or "I am jealous". We have learned a long time ago to be very careful what we gave mom because it would backfire and he would make her life more stark. We feel like this is because he gets jealous of the attention given her. We gave her a new washing machine, he turns the electric off. We got her a new mattress, they slept on the living room couch that folded out into a bed. We call her too much, he had the phone turned off for her birthday (all this in Arkansas). Of course in all this he would claim it was the leading of God and not his own idea. He cannot accept that he has jealousy or anger or pride. As I said in #1, his black and white thinking does not allow him to have these feelings and still be a child of God. I wish he could know that to have those emotions is a very human thing. We can forgive him for them, and God loves him in spite of all that. When he will not talk about or accept them then they can't be dealt with and we cannot reassure him that he is loved and okay even with his failings. We all have problems with these same emotions. That is why God's grace is so amazing. I'm humbled by the fact God loves us even in our weakness.
5. He is extraordinarily strong willed. He even controls his own body and does not allow it to get soft or in need of luxury. He will tell it what to do. Not the other way around. We all need some of that but I think he takes it to the extreme. He also does not listen to anyone else tell him what to do. Once more. See #4 for how he deals with that one. He has told us over and over that we need to be humble and obedient (to him of course) when we point out that he has never listened to anyone, not preachers, not parents, not even the law at times. He brings up Moses or Jesus and seems to feel he is special case that answers directly to God and doesn't need to be subject to any man. Maybe I could accept that if this just pertained to spiritual things. But he doesn't want listen on the way to do a job for someone else if he thinks he has a better way. He doesn't want to listen to me about how many goats he can have on our property ect. After he moved up here he told me one time. "I don't WANT anyone telling me what to do." In the same tone a two year old might use. Yeah dad, me neither. ;)."
With his increasing age, dad seems to be having trouble controlling his emotions. He comes to tears much more quickly and he makes angry pronouncements that he doesn't keep. Like: "I will not come back over to Susie's house. You will have to bring her back over here if I'm to see her again." but then he only stays away a day or two and he's back. He used to never do things like that and always tried to keep his word. He also tells things that simply are not true. I do believe he is getting some dementia so I certainly do not hold that against him. I just wish he could feel Gods love and know that it is unconditional. God is not sitting up there watching dad, waiting to squish him underfoot like a bug if he makes a mistake.
Dad has made the statement a few times lately. "Hope has almost earned my love." (he told mom's lawyer that) In regards to me trying to meet his needs and let him know we really cared and would respect him where we could. Of course, as a parent myself, that takes me back a bit that he puts it that way because I hope I can love my kids unconditionally and they don't have to earn it. I will take what I can get. Dad does not really express affection and love to us. I believe he loves us but somehow he cannot express it.
1. Black and white thinking: What I mean by that is that he seems to think either he is of God or he is not. If he is, then his thoughts and dreams must be of God also. If we do not accept him then we are rejecting God. His measure of our walk with God is whether or not we obey and honor him. If he is not of God then he must be doomed to eternal hell fire and be completely unworthy. This all or nothing thinking makes it hard to get him to accept his own mistakes and admit his failures. It keeps him from seeing himself as okay and loved by God, even though he makes mistakes just like anyone else does.
2. He has difficulty reading other people's body language, facial expressions and other subtle cues most people get, that lets us know when someone is uninterested in what you are saying or maybe even angry. This causes him to seem much more obnoxious than what he means to be because he really doesn't get it sometimes. That become clear to me when we were in the hospital in Arkansas with mom. As he talked to different people there and they tried to deal with the issues going on, he didn't seem to realize when people are really angry or when he was getting himself in trouble. When someone was nice to him, he felt like they were on his side. When they ended up not taking his side, he felt betrayed. It damaged his sense of trust. It made me think of a blind person in a room full of people that were hitting him. He really couldn't see it coming.
3. He appears to have a lot of paranoia related to the medical profession. I don't know exactly why but I think it could be from his time in the mental hospital and them strapping him down and giving him shock treatments. What ever it is, he is truly afraid of doctors and hospitals. He will not sign a normal "consent to treat forms" for mom because he feels like he is giving control over to the doctors to do anything they want. It doesn't seem to matter that I explain to him that they would have to get another consent if they were doing something like surgery. He clearly doesn't trust them.
4. He seems to use religion as a way to keep from dealing with his emotions. He cannot simply say. "I am angry" or "I am sad" or "I am jealous". We have learned a long time ago to be very careful what we gave mom because it would backfire and he would make her life more stark. We feel like this is because he gets jealous of the attention given her. We gave her a new washing machine, he turns the electric off. We got her a new mattress, they slept on the living room couch that folded out into a bed. We call her too much, he had the phone turned off for her birthday (all this in Arkansas). Of course in all this he would claim it was the leading of God and not his own idea. He cannot accept that he has jealousy or anger or pride. As I said in #1, his black and white thinking does not allow him to have these feelings and still be a child of God. I wish he could know that to have those emotions is a very human thing. We can forgive him for them, and God loves him in spite of all that. When he will not talk about or accept them then they can't be dealt with and we cannot reassure him that he is loved and okay even with his failings. We all have problems with these same emotions. That is why God's grace is so amazing. I'm humbled by the fact God loves us even in our weakness.
5. He is extraordinarily strong willed. He even controls his own body and does not allow it to get soft or in need of luxury. He will tell it what to do. Not the other way around. We all need some of that but I think he takes it to the extreme. He also does not listen to anyone else tell him what to do. Once more. See #4 for how he deals with that one. He has told us over and over that we need to be humble and obedient (to him of course) when we point out that he has never listened to anyone, not preachers, not parents, not even the law at times. He brings up Moses or Jesus and seems to feel he is special case that answers directly to God and doesn't need to be subject to any man. Maybe I could accept that if this just pertained to spiritual things. But he doesn't want listen on the way to do a job for someone else if he thinks he has a better way. He doesn't want to listen to me about how many goats he can have on our property ect. After he moved up here he told me one time. "I don't WANT anyone telling me what to do." In the same tone a two year old might use. Yeah dad, me neither. ;)."
With his increasing age, dad seems to be having trouble controlling his emotions. He comes to tears much more quickly and he makes angry pronouncements that he doesn't keep. Like: "I will not come back over to Susie's house. You will have to bring her back over here if I'm to see her again." but then he only stays away a day or two and he's back. He used to never do things like that and always tried to keep his word. He also tells things that simply are not true. I do believe he is getting some dementia so I certainly do not hold that against him. I just wish he could feel Gods love and know that it is unconditional. God is not sitting up there watching dad, waiting to squish him underfoot like a bug if he makes a mistake.
Dad has made the statement a few times lately. "Hope has almost earned my love." (he told mom's lawyer that) In regards to me trying to meet his needs and let him know we really cared and would respect him where we could. Of course, as a parent myself, that takes me back a bit that he puts it that way because I hope I can love my kids unconditionally and they don't have to earn it. I will take what I can get. Dad does not really express affection and love to us. I believe he loves us but somehow he cannot express it.
Sunday, August 25, 2013
Dad
I have mentioned difficult times with dad. I will go into it a bit about what is going on. I try to understand WHY a behaviour is happening and what causes him to act the way he does. It helps it not to seem so personal. I think dad is scared and feeling very out of control right now with all that has been happening
For some reason, after I took mom to the hospital for IV therapy, dad has had periods of being difficult and unreasonable. I haven't been there for most of these episodes so I kind of have to explain them second hand from hearing about it from both sides. Dad doesn't like something that is happening, like too much noise or what mom is being fed so he attempts to take control by ordering firmly for everyone to respect and obey him. He can get right in your face with his finger and can be a bit unreasonable. Any comments are "back talk" and not allowed according to him. He is the authority and expects to be obeyed. He doesn't care if it is stressing mom or anyone else out because "if we would get the authority right in the house then things would run smoothly and everyone would be peaceful and mom could get well or at least die." Yes, he uses that word frequently in her presence. I asked him one time to quit saying it all the time. Of course that led to a whole lot more of it in the next few sentences because he said there is nothing wrong with saying that and whats wrong with dying? ect.
There are a few of the male species in our family that have a short fuse and don't do well with a finger in their face and are right back at him. Dad called the cops on one of them and told them he was being cussed out. Of course, I hear about this after the fact. I have talked to the parties involved to try to get everyone to give dad a lot of grace right now due to the stress and pressure he is under. I have requested anyone who does not have the self control to just walk out of the house if he is getting on their nerves, to not even come around. I have begged dad to be peaceable. I reminded him of how much mom hates conflict and how important a peaceful home is to her. I get him kind of calmed down for awhile and then he will go off again. Please bear in mind that these are usually totally unprovoked by anyone around him. We can be peacefully going about our day and he will walk in and start something. Of course, I'm sorry when others get drug into arguing with him but I know how easy it is to do when he is obviously being unreasonable. But for mom's sake can't we work this out somehow? I am trying to be peacemaker but thinking if it continues to be this disruptive we may have to take mom to the hospital to get her out of the situation. I am trying very hard to avoid that because that traumatizes dad so badly and I really don't think there is anything they can do that isn't just a temporary measure.
Part of the reason dad is so traumatized by mom being in the hospital is that he seems to have the idea if someone dies in there they loose their soul. I'm not sure why he has such paranoia for but he seems to feel that strongly. He really freaks out if he thinks that might happen. If I take her and he should insist on going to the hospital to be with her and be that disruptive, it may end up being a situation like the hospital in Arkansas where they called the cops on dad and had him escorted out of the hospital. I just really don't want to traumatize him any more than possible right now. When he is not around or involved with moms care we all get along and work together very well. I really can't ask him not to be involved because, after all, she is his wife of almost 55 years. I just don't know what to do sometimes. It is very stressful for my sisters to deal with and I have been working the last 4 nights. Hopefully, I can help out more in the next few days.
For some reason, after I took mom to the hospital for IV therapy, dad has had periods of being difficult and unreasonable. I haven't been there for most of these episodes so I kind of have to explain them second hand from hearing about it from both sides. Dad doesn't like something that is happening, like too much noise or what mom is being fed so he attempts to take control by ordering firmly for everyone to respect and obey him. He can get right in your face with his finger and can be a bit unreasonable. Any comments are "back talk" and not allowed according to him. He is the authority and expects to be obeyed. He doesn't care if it is stressing mom or anyone else out because "if we would get the authority right in the house then things would run smoothly and everyone would be peaceful and mom could get well or at least die." Yes, he uses that word frequently in her presence. I asked him one time to quit saying it all the time. Of course that led to a whole lot more of it in the next few sentences because he said there is nothing wrong with saying that and whats wrong with dying? ect.
There are a few of the male species in our family that have a short fuse and don't do well with a finger in their face and are right back at him. Dad called the cops on one of them and told them he was being cussed out. Of course, I hear about this after the fact. I have talked to the parties involved to try to get everyone to give dad a lot of grace right now due to the stress and pressure he is under. I have requested anyone who does not have the self control to just walk out of the house if he is getting on their nerves, to not even come around. I have begged dad to be peaceable. I reminded him of how much mom hates conflict and how important a peaceful home is to her. I get him kind of calmed down for awhile and then he will go off again. Please bear in mind that these are usually totally unprovoked by anyone around him. We can be peacefully going about our day and he will walk in and start something. Of course, I'm sorry when others get drug into arguing with him but I know how easy it is to do when he is obviously being unreasonable. But for mom's sake can't we work this out somehow? I am trying to be peacemaker but thinking if it continues to be this disruptive we may have to take mom to the hospital to get her out of the situation. I am trying very hard to avoid that because that traumatizes dad so badly and I really don't think there is anything they can do that isn't just a temporary measure.
Part of the reason dad is so traumatized by mom being in the hospital is that he seems to have the idea if someone dies in there they loose their soul. I'm not sure why he has such paranoia for but he seems to feel that strongly. He really freaks out if he thinks that might happen. If I take her and he should insist on going to the hospital to be with her and be that disruptive, it may end up being a situation like the hospital in Arkansas where they called the cops on dad and had him escorted out of the hospital. I just really don't want to traumatize him any more than possible right now. When he is not around or involved with moms care we all get along and work together very well. I really can't ask him not to be involved because, after all, she is his wife of almost 55 years. I just don't know what to do sometimes. It is very stressful for my sisters to deal with and I have been working the last 4 nights. Hopefully, I can help out more in the next few days.
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
August 21 Update
Mom seems to be slipping away from us no matter what we do. Does that mean we should have intervened with dad's idea of no medical care? No. We would never know if something could have been done. Also, I feel quite sure she would not be here now if we would not have. I took her to her scheduled doctors appointment yesterday. She did well and stayed alert enough to follow the doctors directions to lean forward, take a deep breath ect. That is unusual for her now because she is often slipping into a quiet, deep place where we cannot reach her. Sometimes we cannot get her to respond or wake up. Those periods are getting longer and more frequent. So far, as long as long she wakes up enough to eat a little or drink her boost we have kept her here. Last night she would not eat or drink. We could not give her meds because she would not swallow. She is the same way this morning so I know she must be getting dehydrated. I think when Susie gets home we will take her the hospital.
Dad went with me to the doctor yesterday. He did well. This all is very hard on him. Although mom is still physically with us, she cannot understand or converse. Dad wants so badly for her to understand him, to miss him, to be there for him. Him having a stroke during this time just added to his trauma. Thank God he is quickly regaining the use of his right arm and hand. He was quite happy to be able to use it to milk his goats yesterday. He still seems so sad at times and tears are often near the surface. He has been coming over to Susie's house to eat some of the time. He likes to spend a lot of time on his computer printing out some of his writings. He has not been spending the night here the last few nights.
Lois came spent a week with mom, giving us a much needed break. That was much appreciated. She said she will come back in a week.
As always, your prayers are appreciated.
Dad went with me to the doctor yesterday. He did well. This all is very hard on him. Although mom is still physically with us, she cannot understand or converse. Dad wants so badly for her to understand him, to miss him, to be there for him. Him having a stroke during this time just added to his trauma. Thank God he is quickly regaining the use of his right arm and hand. He was quite happy to be able to use it to milk his goats yesterday. He still seems so sad at times and tears are often near the surface. He has been coming over to Susie's house to eat some of the time. He likes to spend a lot of time on his computer printing out some of his writings. He has not been spending the night here the last few nights.
Lois came spent a week with mom, giving us a much needed break. That was much appreciated. She said she will come back in a week.
As always, your prayers are appreciated.
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