Dad

 I have mentioned difficult times with dad. I will go into it a bit about what is going on. I try to understand WHY a behaviour is happening and what causes him to act the way he does. It helps it not to seem so personal. I think dad is scared and feeling very out of control right now with all that has been happening
 For some reason, after I took mom to the hospital for IV therapy, dad has had periods of being difficult and unreasonable. I haven't been there for most of these episodes so I kind of have to explain them second hand from hearing about it from both sides. Dad doesn't like something that is happening, like too much noise or what mom is being fed so he attempts to take control by ordering firmly for everyone to respect and obey him. He can get right in your face with  his finger and can be a bit unreasonable. Any comments are "back talk" and not allowed according to him. He is the authority and expects to be obeyed. He doesn't care if it is stressing mom or anyone else out because "if we would get the authority right in the house then things would run smoothly and everyone would be peaceful and mom could get well or at least die." Yes, he uses that word frequently in her presence. I asked him one time to quit saying it all the time. Of course that led to a whole lot more of it in the next few sentences because he said there is nothing wrong with saying that and whats wrong with dying? ect.
 There are a few of the male species in our family that have a short fuse and don't do well with a finger in their face and are right back at him. Dad called the cops on one of them and told them he was being cussed out. Of course, I hear about this after the fact. I have talked to the parties involved to try to get everyone to give dad a lot of grace right now due to the stress and pressure he is under. I have requested anyone who does not have the self control to just walk out of the house if he is getting on their nerves, to not even come around. I have begged dad to be peaceable. I reminded him of how much mom hates conflict and how important a peaceful home is to her. I get him kind of calmed down for awhile and then he will go off again. Please bear in mind that these are usually totally unprovoked by anyone around him. We can be peacefully going about our day and he will walk in and start something. Of course, I'm sorry when others get drug into arguing with him but I know how easy it is to do when he is obviously being unreasonable. But for mom's sake can't we work this out somehow? I am trying to be peacemaker but thinking if it continues to be this disruptive we may have to take mom to the hospital to get her out of the situation. I am trying very hard to avoid that because that traumatizes dad so badly and I really don't think there is anything they can do that isn't just a temporary measure.
 Part of the reason dad is so traumatized by mom being in the hospital is that he seems to have the idea if someone dies in there they loose their soul. I'm not sure why he has such paranoia for but he seems to feel that strongly. He really freaks out if he thinks that might happen. If I take her and he should insist on going to the hospital to be with her and be that disruptive, it may end up being a situation like the hospital in Arkansas where they called the cops on dad and had him escorted out of the hospital. I just really don't want to traumatize him any more than possible right now. When he is not around or involved with moms care we all get along and work together very well. I really can't ask him not to be involved because, after all, she is his wife of almost 55 years. I just don't know what to do sometimes. It is very stressful for my sisters to deal with and I have been working the last 4 nights. Hopefully, I can help out more in the next few days.

August 21 Update

 Mom seems to be slipping away from us no matter what we do. Does that mean we should have intervened with dad's idea of no medical care? No. We would never know if something could have been done. Also, I feel quite sure she would not be here now if we would not have. I took her to her scheduled doctors appointment yesterday. She did well and stayed alert enough to follow the doctors directions to lean forward, take a deep breath ect. That is unusual for her now because she is often slipping into a quiet, deep place where we cannot reach her. Sometimes we cannot get her to respond or wake up. Those periods are getting longer and more frequent. So far, as long as long she wakes up enough to eat a little or drink her boost we have kept her here. Last night she would not eat or drink. We could not give her meds because she would not swallow. She is the same way this morning so I know she must be getting dehydrated. I think when Susie gets home we will take her the hospital.
 Dad went with me to the doctor yesterday. He did well. This all is very hard on him. Although mom is still physically with us, she cannot understand or converse. Dad wants so badly for her to understand him, to miss him, to be there for him. Him having a stroke during this time just added to his trauma. Thank God he is quickly regaining the use of his right arm and hand. He was quite happy to be able to use it to milk his goats yesterday. He still seems so sad at times and tears are often near the surface. He has been coming over to Susie's house to eat some of the time. He likes to spend a lot of time on his computer printing out some of his writings. He has not been spending the night here the last few nights.
 Lois came spent a week with mom, giving us a much needed break. That was much appreciated. She said she will come back in a week.
 As always, your prayers are appreciated.

Reflections of Life

 My life seems divided into neat 1/4 century's right now. I've been married for 25 years this year, I am 50 and mom will be 75.  Looking back, I think I've always had a strong awareness of the need to treasure each stage of my life and the awareness of it being gone forever some day. I can remember so well driving down the unpaved road to mom and dads house in the weeks before I married Ray and singing the song "We have this moment to hold in our hands and to touch as it slips through our fingers like sand...". I was aware that that stage of my life was over.
 Then I married Ray and God blessed us with a precious children and once more the same song but another line; "Our little girl running there by the hillside will never be quite like today." Of course, way to often, I got busy and day slipped in to day and days became weeks and weeks became years and suddenly I find myself as caregiver to my elderly mother-in-law. For almost two years I cared for her and drove her to her weekly chemo appointments. Sometimes as we drove I reached over and took her hand and patted it and thought about how warm it was and how at this moment she was still with us but in the future that same hand would lie still and cold. What was said would be said and what was done was done. There would be no redo and memories would be all we had left. Once more, life happens, people get on each others nerves and things are not always easy, but I would not trade that time with my mother-in-law for anything. She went from being able to take care of herself to needing total care but we made it through and I'm so thankful for that time together.
 Now we are in a position to care for my mom. It is such a joy to care for her. This sweet person who gave birth to us, who selflessly cared for us when we were babies and toddlers and annoying teenagers. I am so aware that we may not have her a long time. I am so glad we have had these three years since they have been living here in Missouri to spend time her.
 To be honest, It hasn't been as easy to have dad here but I am thankful we have had this time together also. I do not want to look back with regret at our time together. I hope I've been able to share love and caring to him also. It is so sad to see him impaired from this stroke and struggling so hard, tears forming in his eyes and spilling over. His struggle to find the words he wants to say. Even in this state the word he could say best was "No". He refused to eat something just because we brought it. He refused to come over to Susie's house and insisted we bring mom over to their place even though he couldn't have cared for her even if we had. He still fussed at me about mom's medications. But after about 3 nights he came, a lonely man who needed closeness with the wife who knew him but no longer understood his words. He tried to tell her about his stroke but she couldn't understand what he said. He asked me to help him position her on one side of the bed so he could lie down beside her. Even that took a while because his words wouldn't come like he wanted to tell me what he was trying so hard to say. Finally I got them fixed up and told dad to call me if mom needed help, then went to sleep on couch. Dad woke me up later needing help because he had taken her to the bathroom on the bedside commode and had put her back to bed but couldn't get everything back together right. He kept saying; "I just can't do it anymore. I thought I could but I can't." Sadness. My heart was broken for him.
  Someday I will look back at this time with my parents and that too will have passed. I hope I can live each day without regret and the things that need to be said are said. Live with no regrets as much as possible.
 

Saturday Visitors

Three sisters and two brothers plus a sister-in-law of moms came up to see her today. We had a nice visit and a meal with them. Mom grew up in a family of 14 children. There are 7 of them still living. What a wonderful bunch of  people they are. My grandparents were very poor but taught their children to work hard and be honest and kind. Mom has mentioned many times about how much easier people have it now days because we can go to yard sales and get cheap clothes and such. Her mom had to work very hard caring for a large family and washing clothes on a rub board. She carried the water from the creek to wash in and when it dried up during the summer then they had to carry it from the river about 1/4 mile away. The oldest child was a son with epilepsy who lived to be 18 years old. He never talked or was toilet trained so that added extra work. Life was so much harder back then but some fine people came out of those circumstances. I have to wonder if maybe we lost some really important life lessons along the way.
 Dad's sister came up from Arkansas and stayed with him last night. I'm so thankful she could do that. Mom's siblings went over to his trailer to see him while they were here. He seemed very happy to see them. He was talking pretty well while they were here but part of the day he has had a really hard time finding the words to form the sentences he wants to say.
 Mom has been very tired this afternoon. She took a long nap. I laid down on the bed next to her and took a nap. Dad slipped quietly into the room and laid down next to mom. He tried to talk and wants so much to communicate with her. He asked her if she knew he had a stroke. He wonders out loud if she even cares about him. I assure him she does but she isn't really talking this afternoon. Dad went back over to his place even though I tried to get him to stay. He needs mom so badly and is really having a hard time with her being like this where she cannot really understand anything he says. Life is just so sad sometimes.

August 9th update on dad

  Today has been a busy day  with doctor appointments and school enrollment so unfortunately I've been unable to spend much time with dad or mom. I've been in to check on dad several times through-out the day between other things (I worked last night and am at work tonight). The good news on dad is that his arm is no longer completely paralyzed and numb like it was. He can move his upper arm but he still cannot use his hand. I think the most devastating to him though is to not be able to speak clearly and find the words he wants. I thought he was doing pretty good in the morning but this afternoon he seemed a little mentally confused. He is refusing to eat much of anything except fruit and goat milk so I bought him some grapes, bananas and orange juice. He is still refusing to go to Susie's house and keeps saying he is alright. At least he is still as stubborn as ever so that may help him to get better soon. :) I know if anyone can work hard to get their hand working it would be dad.  He has spent most of the day laying down on the love seat in his home. He is normally an active person so it seems very unusual to see him this way. Please continue to keep him in your prayers. He seems very sad right now. :(
  Mom has been very sweet and smiley when I did get to see her. She seems to be in a sweet, child-like state where she doesn't really worry about anything. I'm so thankful she is not agitated or difficult to care for.

Dad's Stroke

 Dad seems to have had a stroke. Susie went to find him when he didn't show up. He was in the yard attempting to go milk his goats. His arm right arm dangled uselessly at his side. He attempted to talk but his words wouldn't come out like he wanted. Sometimes he could get it said and other times it was gibberish. Susie called me and I went down to see what was going on. He was leaning against the tree. He looked so old. Tears formed in his eyes. He wiped them away with his good hand as he attempted to tell us what was going on. I asked him if he wanted to go to the doctor. "No No No" he said, looking alarmed. I know he is  paranoid of the medical profession and probably wouldn't go but I had to try. I told him I wouldn't make him. Esther and Lois were also there. I did the only thing I knew that I could do. I held his limp hand and took one of my sisters hands and we prayed. When we closed our eyes, I had to take a few breaths before I could begin so my voice would not quaver too much and I would not begin crying. We prayed earnestly, knowing that was all we had and dad needed more that physical healing. He needed Gods comfort.
 We attempted to get him to go to Susie's house for the night so we could watch him. "No No No" He says again. When I attempted to walk him to my car he refused. He wanted to go to his house. He seems able to walk fairly well with just a bit of a drag to his right leg.
 We got him inside and sat with him awhile and questioned him about when this had happened. Apparently some time during last night. (he usually-but not always-spends the night at Susie's house and last night he did not) he realized something awful had happened. He was very out of it and unable to do anything. He remained like that for awhile but gradually got better. He let us know he was much better than he had been.
 I keep thinking about how I'm so glad he wasn't taking care of mom alone when this happened. She is totally dependant on our care and would have been in a bad situation if someone hadn't caught it pretty quick. Hopefully dad will get better soon. During this time with mom he has blamed us for making her the way she is because we give her medicine. He used himself as an example of how healthy you can be without it. None of us know what's around the corner and health is a gift God.

Rainy Day

 It is raining again this morning. Most likely dad is out in it. Drawn to rain as if he was still a little boy. Needing to feel the water running in his face and to splash in the mud puddles. He NEEDS running water for some reason. He spent many hours at the spring in Arkansas. What we saw was little ditches dug back and forth across the bottom. Routing the spring water through those channels and making it flow where he wanted. What he saw was a great experiment that had a profound effect on the land, causing the pasture up on the hillside to produce better and the entire farm be more productive.
 Now he is here in Missouri. Taken away from his beloved spring. Longing for running water. He will turn the garden hose on and let it run if he has no other. He discovered the wet-weather ditch/creek behind his house and began to work on it. He worked happily for hours after it rained. Damming it up and trying to keep the water from going away. Finally he came up, dejected, one summer day and said it had dried up. But he doesn't give up easy. Every year since he's been here (3 years) he has worked on it. He has spent many hours making dams and rearranging the dirt. It dried up again this year but now it has been raining again so he happily announced his ditch was full of water again. This time he thinks he can keep it there. I know, almost without fail, that if it is raining, dad will be out in his mud boots working in the rain. He is sure that one day he will bring a spring up and water will be there year around. Hopefully it will work and make him happy and save him from running the garden hose in it like he did earlier this year. Trying to keep the cat fish alive that had washed downstream out of a pond.
 Mom is very tired today. I gave her a bath and washed her hair yesterday. That really wore her out. She keeps her sweetness no matter what but she looks so haggard. I tucked her in under the cover on the couch for a nap. Dad insist she use an electric blanket because her feet are cold but soon she throws the covers off because she too warm. Mostly we let dad do things his way if he is not hurting her. It has been hard to teach him how to do safe transfers with her and how to assist her with walking like we were trained to do. Susie works with the elderly all the time and knows how, but he resist her showing him things because he wants to do it his way. He does love mom and can be very attentive to her but wants very much to be in control of things.

Introduction

I am creating this as a way to share information to interested parties on how mom is doing and information what is going on. I only ask as you read any of this, you do so in a non-judgmental fashion, knowing it is not easy to deal with caring for elderly parents and dad adds a whole extra layer of stressors. We do the best we can and if anyone thinks they can do better or feel like they have a better way of handling it then feel free to come take over for awhile. :) But if you are not willing to walk in our shoes then please refrain from criticizing our way of doing it. We are not perfect and the way we do things is not perfect. Things always can be improved on and kind suggestions are appreciated. Most of all, we need your prayers and support. Perhaps I sound a bit defensive and maybe I am. It
is so hard to explain all the things going with dad and why we have to do the things we do but I will try to be open and honest about it all. I know in sharing I open myself up to being critisized but willing to take the risk. :)
 I may share memories from the past. Not sure yet. I will see how it goes.

 

 I she not the sweetest mother ever? Just took this picture with my computer. She ate breakfast and is laying on the couch. She is still very child-like in her mind. Dad was treating her like a child this morning, teaching her how to wash the dishes by bringing her the dishpan to the table and showing her step by step. She did not follow his directions but did tell him he was treating her like a little child (true) then told me as I was taking her to the bathroom that she feels like he thinks she is pretty dumb. I assured her it's not true. I am amazed that she got the way she was being treated but still seems unable to follow directions. Dad says he thinks she understands exactly what he wants her to do but balks at doing it. Not true. Anyway, she is sweet as ever and never cross. No matter how confused she is. She is now on 3 blood pressure meds and it is still running high. I wonder what is going on.
 Mom's abilities vary from day to day. Some days she can walk without a walker and some days she can hardly walk even with assistance. She continues to have almost complete urinary incontinence. The last test for UTI was negative.
 We have temporary guardianship through the court but have to go to court in September for permanent guardianship. Dad has been served about the hearing coming up and is stressing about it. Please pray for a quick resolution to this. Dad feels very threatened by this but it is only so we can get medical care that he wants to refuse. He told me a couple days ago that he was going to take her home and lock the door. He would not admit anyone without a head covering on and he would refuse to allow her to have any medication. He was putting her shoes and socks on and was planning to take her home. I told him. "Oh no you're not."  He says we are making them break their marriage vows. I disagreed. Anyway, he dropped it and has been okay again. Their trailer is right next door to Susie's and he can come and go as he pleases and stay here anytime he wants. He spends the nights most nights and fixes breakfast for mom. Of course we appreciate that but one of us has to be here all the time because of him being so unpredictable. I wish he didn't feel so threatened by all this and understand we are trying to care for both of them.