Reflections of Life

 My life seems divided into neat 1/4 century's right now. I've been married for 25 years this year, I am 50 and mom will be 75.  Looking back, I think I've always had a strong awareness of the need to treasure each stage of my life and the awareness of it being gone forever some day. I can remember so well driving down the unpaved road to mom and dads house in the weeks before I married Ray and singing the song "We have this moment to hold in our hands and to touch as it slips through our fingers like sand...". I was aware that that stage of my life was over.
 Then I married Ray and God blessed us with a precious children and once more the same song but another line; "Our little girl running there by the hillside will never be quite like today." Of course, way to often, I got busy and day slipped in to day and days became weeks and weeks became years and suddenly I find myself as caregiver to my elderly mother-in-law. For almost two years I cared for her and drove her to her weekly chemo appointments. Sometimes as we drove I reached over and took her hand and patted it and thought about how warm it was and how at this moment she was still with us but in the future that same hand would lie still and cold. What was said would be said and what was done was done. There would be no redo and memories would be all we had left. Once more, life happens, people get on each others nerves and things are not always easy, but I would not trade that time with my mother-in-law for anything. She went from being able to take care of herself to needing total care but we made it through and I'm so thankful for that time together.
 Now we are in a position to care for my mom. It is such a joy to care for her. This sweet person who gave birth to us, who selflessly cared for us when we were babies and toddlers and annoying teenagers. I am so aware that we may not have her a long time. I am so glad we have had these three years since they have been living here in Missouri to spend time her.
 To be honest, It hasn't been as easy to have dad here but I am thankful we have had this time together also. I do not want to look back with regret at our time together. I hope I've been able to share love and caring to him also. It is so sad to see him impaired from this stroke and struggling so hard, tears forming in his eyes and spilling over. His struggle to find the words he wants to say. Even in this state the word he could say best was "No". He refused to eat something just because we brought it. He refused to come over to Susie's house and insisted we bring mom over to their place even though he couldn't have cared for her even if we had. He still fussed at me about mom's medications. But after about 3 nights he came, a lonely man who needed closeness with the wife who knew him but no longer understood his words. He tried to tell her about his stroke but she couldn't understand what he said. He asked me to help him position her on one side of the bed so he could lie down beside her. Even that took a while because his words wouldn't come like he wanted to tell me what he was trying so hard to say. Finally I got them fixed up and told dad to call me if mom needed help, then went to sleep on couch. Dad woke me up later needing help because he had taken her to the bathroom on the bedside commode and had put her back to bed but couldn't get everything back together right. He kept saying; "I just can't do it anymore. I thought I could but I can't." Sadness. My heart was broken for him.
  Someday I will look back at this time with my parents and that too will have passed. I hope I can live each day without regret and the things that need to be said are said. Live with no regrets as much as possible.